It’s December 31, a bit after noon. I’m not even going to attempt to summarize 2020; we all know. I half-joked this morning, I wonder what catchy name historians will give to this period. What ominous title will the years after 2016 be known by? None of it’s been easy, none of it’s been expected. Not all of it has been bad. There has been some good, there has been some reawakening, there has been progress. The future is being built and it’s going to be difficult but maybe we can climb out of this dystopia.
I have a habit of fearing change, but I shouldn’t. What I really fear is the changes I can’t control. But at what point do we ever have full control of every element of our lives? We don’t, we never do. We can’t live in fear. I hope that I will not be alone in embracing the loss of things that have served me knowing that they are no longer appropriate for me, and accepting that it is time to move forward. Sometimes it is scary to visualize the full scope of chaos that exists every day, but it simply is. I will never be fully in control of my life, and I can accept that, and accept that not being in control means that things will change beyond my control. I will simply focus on moving forward with the things that I can influence, and that are good for me.
I made a ridiculous decision in the middle of December, and hired an assistant. So much of modern woke feminism has pushed a concept of success based around one person doing everything themselves, this notion of the Girlboss where female empowerment means you’re running a one-woman show and wearing an entire haberdashery and your dress has pockets. It’s not practical! Okay the pockets are but I digress… it’s simply not as easy as they make it sound in the books. “Oh well I had a LiveJournal and I started selling clothes out of my garage on eBay and yes I was also working as a waitress and had an unpaid internship but hey, personal independence is worth that struggle!” Wow no I cannot do that! I am tired! I don’t even have a garage, let alone a whole ass house! Good for her/she/them/you, but that is not ever going to be my reality. I need help. And you know what they say, you get what you pay for. So I hired an assistant to help me think and plan and execute, and stay on top of things, and keep me moving forward, and I’m going to pay her because not only is she worth it, but I am too. This is an investment in me. It will greatly impact how I navigate the year ahead and I thank myself for this recognition and support.
Tomorrow is a new year but our concept of “years” is extremely arbitrary and means very little to me anymore. It’s a bookmark, an easy date to highlight in a sequential list of dates. And I get it, I do. And I’m not trying to be a pessimist by saying, it’s not going to be any easier just because it’s a new year. We all still have so much work to do! It won’t be easy. But it will be gratifying, once it’s done. Once we see the progress we are making. That’s all I want: I want to be able to SEE the progress. Pragmatism is going to serve us well this year; optimism might be too much to ask for, for many of us, but that’s not to say it isn’t present. The concept of optimism can often be presented as a choice to remain blindly positive. I choose to see it as recognition that some things are good, and good things are always present. But so are bad things, difficult, tough things; both exist and that’s okay.
The final full moon of the year and the decade (again, arbitrary concepts of time, but sure), occurred the other night. She was in the sign of Cancer; as someone with most of my chart across Pisces and Scorpio, any Water moon resonates with me. I did a journaling exercise on the concept of loss and release for the full moon and here is what I wrote:
It is our privilege to control how we experience loss. Choose how we allow it to affect us. The more we control our relationship with loss, the more we can peacefully accept and maybe even come to embrace its presence. Further, choosing to seek loss will lead to an enhanced space for seeking happiness. To extinguish fire you do not aim water at the tip of the flames, but at the root of the embers. I accept the loss of habits and mindsets that no longer serve me, to make room for the abundance of what I love. I embrace the opportunity to move beyond stagnation, to grow past comfortable familiarity. I seek a higher vantage point to better visualize the path I have taken and the journey ahead. I respect the work to be done, work with myself and work with others, and I approach the roll of student with courage. I am a student of life, and claim masterhood of nothing. I am open; I am here. I am ready.Midnight, December 30, 2020, Full Moon in Cancer
Embrace frivolity where you can. Seek progress. Don’t avoid change. Find ways to spread out without spreading yourself too thin. Dance. Look up at the moon, and the stars, and the clouds, and the birds flying overhead. Breathe.
I’ve been trying to tell people–and maybe I’ve already mentioned it here but too long ago to remember–but I truly feel like we need to be moving away from our use of social media as our main platform(s), and revisit the concept of a personal site. The blog that was, the blogging that could be. I could outline the simple origins of every social platform, be it text or visual or mixed media, and I could easily map out a timeline of my use of these platforms, my peak enjoyment of their communities, and when changes negated the things I loved and pushed my interest elsewhere. But always in the back at the head, at the beginning of my presence online, is the personal blog. But I have the extreme good fortune to have weathered these micro platforms and widget-enabled apps and to have come out with some long-time friends, from the blogosphere. I have made friends through other platforms, sure, but it is rare to feel like there’s the same intimacy. I guess you had to be there.
But I can’t seem to get anyone to catch on to personal sites again. I offered to set people up for free, teach them how to manage their content and give them full control of their content, but it’s always too much work for them. They’re too busy; it’s easier to use the free platforms they already have. But the free platforms keep changing, keep censoring, keep forcing algorithms that literally make us feel bad. Why is anyone ending 2020 thinking that they NEED these things to stay connected? to do business? That’s like expecting one chicken to lay all your eggs. Sooner or later you’re going to want to bake a cake, and you’re gonna need to use all three eggs that you have saved up, but then you won’t be able to have an egg with breakfast for three days. And then that chicken gets stressed and doesn’t lay any eggs for five days and… well, you get me. You can’t even count your chickens before they’re hatched when you only have one chicken laying eggs. But 3-5 chickens? Okay, now we’re talking. Diversify, people!
Guess I just gotta show y’all how it’s done.